I’m Seasons…
Summer, Autumn, Winter & Spring...
Kindergarten, Primary School, High School, University...
Strangers, Friendship, Lust, Love...
Everything in life has a season, and everything transforms with each season that rolls in and out. These seasons take place all around us and we're so accustomed to them that at times we don't even notice that there is a continuous flow of change.
Most of these flows are a part of life and we don't fight the changes, knowing too well that it's simply "part of life" we accept these without a second thought. In most cases the changes that happen to us though don’t seem to be as accepted and in many occasions we fight them to the point that it makes us sick with stress, anxiety or depression.
For example, when the days warm up and winter turns into spring we don't lose sleep and spend countless hours trying to find a way to rewind the clock to stop this from happening! We just change our wardrobe and let it happen, we adapt and get on with it.
But, the same can't be said for the end of a relationship, moving on from a job or aging for that matter, most of the time we are fighting against these, needing hours in front of a councilor to eventually "accept" it!
Let's take aging for example. As soon as the first grey hair dares to grow on our heads we whip out the tweezers or run to the hairdresser. What about the wrinkles that hug our eyes, how dare they! Bring out the botox, filler, plastic surgery, lotions and potions...why are we less accepting of these seasons?
I’m Seasons...and I WANT to be seasons because if I wasn't, if I wasn't constantly changing then I would be...dead. So yes, I want to be alive even if it means I need to work on accepting and embracing the changes…the dying parts of me.
The realisation that "I AM seasons" came to me last month (February 2023) when I took a much needed holiday back home to Brazil. I saw, experienced and felt things I had never seen, experienced or felt before in my motherland. I also saw, experienced and felt things I had never seen, experienced or felt before upon returning back to Australia. But I had been home to Brazil before and I had come back so why did I never see, experience or feel these things? Because like seasons I've changed...
As simple and "duh'' that this realisation might seem to some it was truly profound to me. Of course I always knew that things and people change but, I now know that it is MORE than change and, I also know that it is NECESSARY and OK...this realisation touched and moved me in a way where I discovered that I am no longer who I "saw" myself to be and that I am much more than I had ever given myself credit for.
It's almost as if I have finally given myself permission to be whoever it is that I am without crippling guilt or fear of change. That life cannot exist without death and to have one, we need the other.
The 17, 27, 37 year old me had to die/end for me to be here today...17, 27, 37 were passing seasons of my life. Without those seasons passing I would not be here today. Not accepting and end is like not accepting change…it will happen whether you like it or not, the more you fight it the more discomfort you’ll experience. That discomfort will look different for everyone…it’s you’re choice…acceptance and discomfort.
The only thing that saddens me about this realization is that I also realised why it happened during this trip and not before...money. I can't think of a time in my adult life where I haven't had to think or worry about finance. Unfortunately that is reality for many (not all) families, especially single parents. And for me money was a "block" to many things and a creator of anxiety, stress, panic, sadness, sleepless nights, heart palpitations and a sick to the stomach feeling. When or how "I" created this block is something I am in the process of discovering and clearing.
On this trip however my now husband, Gilbert, asked two things of me. Knowing that I am always "switched on" and constantly "putting out fires" he wanted me to fully unwind and relax, so he asked me to try and "disconnect" (eg not think of work, bills etc) during the trip. His last request was that I not worry about money while we were away. Never did I think I would be able to not worry about money on a holiday! But, the way he looked at me when he said it made me feel 100% supported, it made me know wholeheartedly that he had my back and that I could trust him to take care of everything so...I can (hand on heart) say that I did it, I didn’t worry about money on this trip! And that's what did it, not having that worry combined with eating from the land, laughing a lot, going on adventures and basking in the sun was literally a blessing, a priceless gift that gave me the space to see, feel and know that I AM changing seasons and I accept it.
Living in that state of mind where I am literally aware, accepting and excited was pure bliss, a state I want to be in always because it IS good not only for me but for those I come in contact with. I literally find it hard to put it into words how at ease and present I felt...hopefully what I have written here combined with the photos I took (displayed on this page) gives you a good idea of what is available to you if you too decide to explore your own Seasons and…accept your own “ends” from this day forward.
I hope that like me you too have someone who helps you find space when you're drowning in your self created blocks. And yes, they are your blocks that you created. Don't blame others, no one was put on this earth to live your life but you. You may have consciously or unconsciously given others or things and situations power to dictate how things go for you but again...that's on you and only you can change that. Don't you think it's time?
Before I end this entry I want to say a very special thank you to the man I have chosen to journey this life with, Gilbert. If it wasn't for your selfless and priceless gift of financial freedom during this trip in February of 2023 I would not have been able to disconnect 100% and in turn have the insights I have today.
And to two of the most down to earth and caring people I know, my children Jordan and Indyara. Not being able to have you on this trip wasn’t easy for me, you guys know that as we had many conversations about it. A person even told me that I’m a “disgraceful mother” for conducting the “very selfish act” of taking this trip without you guys. That I “neglected” both of you by leaving you at home where you had to “do grocery shopping, cook, do the washing, study and work”. Although this email did not effect my trip at all, I did share this (bizzar yet expected email) with a friend and work colleague who laughed at hearing it and said…
“By trying to bring you down and make you feel bad this person actually gave you a compliment! Going on 19 and 16 your children did what many cannot do these days and not only did they take care of themselves and the home, they did it well! They can do the grocery shopping, cook, wash their clothes, study and work because YOU raised them well, YOU raised them to be able to take care of themselves! “
My friend is right, I DID do a great job raising you guys as a single mum! Even so my heart was still a little heavy at not being able to take you guys but, instead of me soothing you about this, you guys soothed me! You both told me over and over again that it was ok and that I deserved it. You were excited for me, you took care of each other, the pets and our home, you too made it possible for me to disconnect and in turn have this much needed insight.
Gilbert, Jordan and Indyara…thank you for the gift of rest, reconnection and unconditional love. Eu amo voces.
With Kindness,
